I have been laid up with "the crud" since last Thursday. It has been rather hellish. It would be nice not to have a sore throat. Unfortunately my throat hates me and is causing me quite some pain. I was hoping that today would be the last day of my illness allowing me to have a day of recuperation before I go to work tomorrow, but it is not to be. Tomorrow is another day and I have decided to get my throat checked out if it should be this red, angry, crackling mess that it is today.
Other than that, life has been rather idyllic. Which, I suppose would be surprising to those that know my circumstances, but as there is nothing that can be done at the moment I have decided to rest my mind on that which is good. I have decided to count my blessings instead of sheep when I am awake in bed from worry.
Why, yes, I just watched 'White Christmas' starring Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney. It is a wonderful movie, I actually thought to myself that they don't make movies like this anymore. It was so light and fluffy and the problem so neatly fixed up. The movie did go "by the numbers", but it was so charming that I forgave it that flaw. The music was wonderful.
My daughter is all excited about Thanksgiving, but I am excited about Christmas. I love Christmas, I love the music, the decorating, the gifts. Christmas is the entire month of December in my book. I can't wait for that magical time of year. Even though the probability of me ever having a White Christmas again is slim.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
No Two Christians are the Same
Throughout my entire life I have always wanted to do the ‘right’ thing and make the ‘right’ decisions. I never had an issue with God because I always believed in God – it seemed logical that there was a God. I never doubted my own sinful nature, because I knew that as much as I wanted to do the ‘right’ thing, sometimes my selfish nature would get in the way and I’d do the wrong thing. I was a peculiar kid in the sense that I always would try to be a good Christian and as would be expected failed miserably. Whenever I’d fail I would get this huge sense of guilt and darkness and wonder what it is that Jesus could ever see in me. Every night for years (starting around 6 years old) I would say the sinner's prayer to make sure that I was saved and would get to go to heaven. I did this because I knew that I was not a worthy human being. I guess I was a Calvinist even before I knew what Calvinism was :).
I struggled off and on trying to live up to my ideal of what a Christian was, this was strengthened by sermons, Christian books, and my own interpretation of scriptures. My belief was that God might accept us in our horrid, sinful state, but once we became Christians it was our responsibility to make sure that we stayed on the straight and narrow. I would say that I knew I could never be perfect, but that such a belief should never stop me from striving towards perfection (mirrored by the life of Christ). I was also very big in trying to be holy, even though I knew that it was impossible for me to be holy. From a young age I was a legalist.
My entire life, up until I was 28, I strived as hard as I could to be a good Christian woman. The things that I ascribed to as being a good Christian woman were based on books and teachings taught to me by men and women of the various churches I attended. I didn’t believe in happiness, I believed that I could be content in knowing that I was doing what God wanted me to do. I also believed that no matter what someone else did, I should always do my best to follow God’s edicts in my life. God’s edicts to me as what I should do and think as a woman.
Looking back, I realized how wrong I was and how some of the decisions I made were harmful to me and my family. The emotional scars of the path that I walked down will be long in healing. I don’t blame myself for everything that happened to me, because I believe that people should be culpable in their actions towards other people, but I do wish that I had realized some simple truths (that I see now) early on.
My life is ever evolving, as are my beliefs in the Almighty (more on that later). This happens to every person, regardless of what religion they are part of. Some people become more fundie, others become more liberal. There is no hard and fast way of being holy. All books and teachings can give you are ideas. There are people that would say “so and so is not a Christian because they don’t do x-y-z” and yet no two Christians believe in the exact same way. Oh, they may have the core belief down (Jesus is the Messiah), but after that there are at the very least tiny nuances and differences between each individual. This is because each person looks at the Bible and the theology they ascribe to through the lens of their personal experience.
No one should tell another person how to live their life. There are things that everyone can agree that someone should or should not do (i.e. lying is bad), but for the most part a person’s life should be left for that person to decipher. Each person should be allowed to make decisions on their own with no fear of condemnation or condescending attitudes from their fellow Christians (i.e. to wear or not to wear a head-covering). In regards to how we live our day to day life, no outside person should be an authority on that subject. Most Christians have a strong desire to do what God wants. As each person is a unique individual, they should be able to decide for themselves what is right and wrong in their life. Not to mention the fact that each person is ultimately responsible for the decisions they make; there are very few people that will accept the negative consequences of someone else even if they spiritually manipulated that person into making what in hind-sight turned out to be the wrong decision.
I struggled off and on trying to live up to my ideal of what a Christian was, this was strengthened by sermons, Christian books, and my own interpretation of scriptures. My belief was that God might accept us in our horrid, sinful state, but once we became Christians it was our responsibility to make sure that we stayed on the straight and narrow. I would say that I knew I could never be perfect, but that such a belief should never stop me from striving towards perfection (mirrored by the life of Christ). I was also very big in trying to be holy, even though I knew that it was impossible for me to be holy. From a young age I was a legalist.
My entire life, up until I was 28, I strived as hard as I could to be a good Christian woman. The things that I ascribed to as being a good Christian woman were based on books and teachings taught to me by men and women of the various churches I attended. I didn’t believe in happiness, I believed that I could be content in knowing that I was doing what God wanted me to do. I also believed that no matter what someone else did, I should always do my best to follow God’s edicts in my life. God’s edicts to me as what I should do and think as a woman.
Looking back, I realized how wrong I was and how some of the decisions I made were harmful to me and my family. The emotional scars of the path that I walked down will be long in healing. I don’t blame myself for everything that happened to me, because I believe that people should be culpable in their actions towards other people, but I do wish that I had realized some simple truths (that I see now) early on.
My life is ever evolving, as are my beliefs in the Almighty (more on that later). This happens to every person, regardless of what religion they are part of. Some people become more fundie, others become more liberal. There is no hard and fast way of being holy. All books and teachings can give you are ideas. There are people that would say “so and so is not a Christian because they don’t do x-y-z” and yet no two Christians believe in the exact same way. Oh, they may have the core belief down (Jesus is the Messiah), but after that there are at the very least tiny nuances and differences between each individual. This is because each person looks at the Bible and the theology they ascribe to through the lens of their personal experience.
No one should tell another person how to live their life. There are things that everyone can agree that someone should or should not do (i.e. lying is bad), but for the most part a person’s life should be left for that person to decipher. Each person should be allowed to make decisions on their own with no fear of condemnation or condescending attitudes from their fellow Christians (i.e. to wear or not to wear a head-covering). In regards to how we live our day to day life, no outside person should be an authority on that subject. Most Christians have a strong desire to do what God wants. As each person is a unique individual, they should be able to decide for themselves what is right and wrong in their life. Not to mention the fact that each person is ultimately responsible for the decisions they make; there are very few people that will accept the negative consequences of someone else even if they spiritually manipulated that person into making what in hind-sight turned out to be the wrong decision.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
To Homestead or Not to Homestead
About four years ago I began reconstructing myself. It has been a difficult process that is still not over. One of the things that I am happy to see is that I am beginning to feel comfortable in the place that I am in now. A few months after I had to rebuild myself (because I didn’t know who I was anymore) I began to be envious of those in a position to homestead. I imagined myself tending the chickens and the goats, having a large vegetable garden, and making my cheeses and breads from scratch. I would read blogs of homesteading ladies and dream about a day when I would be able to homestead myself. Due to the circumstances in my life (namely money and the fact that I didn’t want to move away from the girls’ dad), I knew that the lifestyle was far away indeed.
Today I realized that I really don’t want to homestead. I like the idea of it, the beautiful pictures, the well worded blog stories, but – to be honest, I wasn’t made to wake up at 5am to feed the goats, nor do I relish the idea of weeding a large garden bed.
What really attracted me was the idea of a ‘simple life’ and there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to have a simple life here in my urban location.
Today I realized that I really don’t want to homestead. I like the idea of it, the beautiful pictures, the well worded blog stories, but – to be honest, I wasn’t made to wake up at 5am to feed the goats, nor do I relish the idea of weeding a large garden bed.
What really attracted me was the idea of a ‘simple life’ and there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to have a simple life here in my urban location.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I've been on Facebook for a while now and find it fascinating. I've "re-connected" with old friends from high school (which really means that we look at each other's pages and pictures, but don't really talk) and have had my ex-husband (who has some of the same old high school friends on his list) be a suggested friend by Facebook.
Not only is it interesting to see what my old friends/acquantances from years past are doing now, it is also a study in who I was versus where I am now. I love my 'now' self, I'm so much better than that shy, legalistic, teenage girl who so earnestly tried to do right. In my 'now' self I've met the love of my life, am a good mother to two beautiful girls, have a lovely dog, and have finally learned some pretty basic life lessons.
I have to remember how wonderful my 'now' self is, because sometimes I do feel sorry for my younger self. My teenage self went into adult-hood with starry eyes and hopes for the future only to be hit with 9 years of confusion, guilt, and struggle. Not all the events were bad, but on the whole it was like trying to climb out of a pit when someone keeps banging your knuckles to make you slide back in.
Now is so much better than then, and I'm glad I can say that. Life and love is so much more satisfying now.
Not only is it interesting to see what my old friends/acquantances from years past are doing now, it is also a study in who I was versus where I am now. I love my 'now' self, I'm so much better than that shy, legalistic, teenage girl who so earnestly tried to do right. In my 'now' self I've met the love of my life, am a good mother to two beautiful girls, have a lovely dog, and have finally learned some pretty basic life lessons.
I have to remember how wonderful my 'now' self is, because sometimes I do feel sorry for my younger self. My teenage self went into adult-hood with starry eyes and hopes for the future only to be hit with 9 years of confusion, guilt, and struggle. Not all the events were bad, but on the whole it was like trying to climb out of a pit when someone keeps banging your knuckles to make you slide back in.
Now is so much better than then, and I'm glad I can say that. Life and love is so much more satisfying now.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Grammar and all that jazz
Sometimes I look at my posts and cringe due to the grammatical errors. Then, I go through this long thought process of should I fix the errors or just let them be? My posts are usually stream of consciousness posts, so I don't think about having perfect grammar.
I am writing this post when I should be working on my 1000 word writing sample. Lazy, lazy, shame on me.
I am writing this post when I should be working on my 1000 word writing sample. Lazy, lazy, shame on me.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
My Favorite Thing
Last night I had a migraine, which bled through to today, so I've been laying on my bed like the prima dona I am. The girls decided to join me on the bed. I had one on each side of me, snuggled close (is there anything better?). They watched House Hunters with me and I discovered that my girlies enjoy "fake" shopping for houses as much as B~ and I do. It's wonderful! We discussed which of the three bed and breakfast houses we would buy and why.
This gave me a wonderful, yet brief, daydream of owning a bed and breakfast with the family. Yeah, it's a nice dream for about 5 minutes, until you realize that there is no such things as weekends and holidays off.
Let me talk about my hubby for a moment. Last night I woke up with a blazing migraine at around 10-11pm. B~ brought me water, made me rice (and brought it to me), let me lay in the bed until I could go back to bed at 1am. B~ is the best hubby evah!
This gave me a wonderful, yet brief, daydream of owning a bed and breakfast with the family. Yeah, it's a nice dream for about 5 minutes, until you realize that there is no such things as weekends and holidays off.
Let me talk about my hubby for a moment. Last night I woke up with a blazing migraine at around 10-11pm. B~ brought me water, made me rice (and brought it to me), let me lay in the bed until I could go back to bed at 1am. B~ is the best hubby evah!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Favorite Things
One of the things B~ and I like to do together is drive around our area and "shop" for homes. We usually go to one of the higher price neighborhoods and critique the houses. We discuss what we want in terms of buildings and land, look at the houses in the neighborhood, and decide what we would have to do to it to make it perfect for us.
We spent two hours today on the drive. We also stopped at the houses that were for sale and picked up the little flyers that detailed the information of the house. Then we had a serious discussion on whether we felt the house was worth the price or not (by estimating how much work we'd have to put into the house to make it suitable for us) and the offer we'd put on the house. In our dreams we'd always pay cash, of course, as neither one of us wants to be mortgage poor.
Which is why I love my little home - it's cute and cozy and affordable.
It's still nice to dream though.
We spent two hours today on the drive. We also stopped at the houses that were for sale and picked up the little flyers that detailed the information of the house. Then we had a serious discussion on whether we felt the house was worth the price or not (by estimating how much work we'd have to put into the house to make it suitable for us) and the offer we'd put on the house. In our dreams we'd always pay cash, of course, as neither one of us wants to be mortgage poor.
Which is why I love my little home - it's cute and cozy and affordable.
It's still nice to dream though.
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